(Fuller stuff on my actual blog site)

They said it shouldn’t be done. They said it couldn’t be done. They said the merest thought of doing it was an afront to God and Man. They said if I kept scratching it would leave a scare. They said to come on in because dinner would be ready soon.

To them I say: Aw, five more minutes. Pleeeease?

In all seriousness, I subjected myself to an experiment this past weekend. In the same way that many villains expose themselves to their weaponised toxins to build up resistance, I became a victimunteer in my own tests…For SCIENCE! What some may not know is that I, in a likely breach of several UN treaties have for some time been stockpiling the deadliest substances known to man, Uwe Boll movies.

I have kept these movies in their cases, giving only short bursts of freedom to them on an irregular basis – occassionally allowing the dialogue of Alone in the Dark to permeate through the air after innoculating myself with copious amounts of alcohol.

This past weekend, as I had extra time off and my brother was absent for a portion of it, I decided to follow up Ninja Night with another themed night. Initially I was undecided between a night of beat ‘em up video game adaptations or Uwe Boll marathon, which as a question to ask yourself is akin to choosing between having your genitalia crushed in a vice or smushed with a thrown brick.

Eventually, I settled on Uwe Boll, or as I tweeted “Uwe Boll Movie Marathon…Uwe-mania…Boll-athon…Uwe-fest…ahh, that’s the one “Night of Bollshit!”

This isn’t the first time I’d mentioned the idea, what seems like ages ago I mentioned it to Dio while discussing Mystery Science Theatre, leading to:

Guise: that’d be a masochists dream weekend…a uwe boll marathon, followed by alan smithee day…it’d be like Dr F. just went apeshit and decided to massacre
Dio: XD!!! i’ll bet all those years w/ TV’s Frank finally did it
Guise: just think, a Uwe Boll movie woulda been the equivalent of hitting the Satellite of Love with a tactical nuke…
Guise: only with a lot longer fallout time and a lot less point
Guise: nah, unlike a tactical nuke a Uwe Boll film never hits the target audience
What I had intended as a one night affair passed over a weekend, and without a word of a lie, I was actually physically affected during the course. I started off by watching Postal and found afterwards that my throat was scratchy, by the end of the night I had a full blown sore throat. The following day, I had headaches, body aches, nasal congestion and coughs too. Heading in to the new week and I’ve got a bout of flu working it’s way through my system.

Now, people may make jokes about Boll’s films, but I think that what people don’t realise is that Boll has seemingly managed to create a real Ring Virus effect that actually strengthens through additional exposures to his work.

I managed to get through seven of his masterpieces before it got too much – for Deej to note, I didn’t watch House of the Dead 2, although I have it, because Boll is unconnected with that. I didn’t really feel too much like reviewing each in any detail, I find it hard to write negative things about movies and pictures, so my thoughts were just little notes.